Who You’d Be Now

It wasn’t supposed to happen this way. There were supposed to be memories upon memories. Happiness and love. Lots of give-and-take. But instead it was a level of giving that I hadn’t thought of.

It involved giving you back.

Pregnancy loss wasn’t supposed to be part of the plan. I had dreamed it would go one million other ways, but this. What did I do wrong? Why didn’t this work out?  What if I didn’t want to give you back?

I think about you often. You would be a toddler right now as I write these words.  I imagine you would have toys thrown all over the living room.  Your giggles would be infectious and you’d be into new adventures every day.  I wonder who you would look like.

Would you laugh, and talk a lot, like your mom? 

Or would you be calm, just like your dad? 

I know our fur baby Lilly, would adore you even if she stole your toys.

Who would you grow up to be? What kind of personality would you carry? Would you be grateful for hard work and learning? Embracing a world ahead of you without fear, only anticipation.  

There’s a lot I don’t know, but I do know this. You would be so loved. I know that because I fell in love instantly. My heart changed the moment I saw the positive test. I just knew. Dreams were coming true. I was in love with someone I didn’t yet know.

I often wonder why we had to give you back, but I find comfort in knowing you’ve only ever known and truly experienced heaven outside of my womb. Gosh, I truly wish I knew what it was like. Just like my heart yearns to know what you’d be like right now. 

God has granted us peace and healing in the years since we gave you back.  He’s allowed new growth and a sense of adventure we never dreamed about.  We are thankful for the give and take.  We wouldn’t be here without it.  You’re right now in the arms of Jesus where you belonged all along. 

God knew who you were and who you’d be and He knew all along that we would all be okay.

Psalm 71:19-21

Your righteousness, O God, reaches to the highest heavens.  You have done such wonderful things.  Who can compare with you, O God?

You have allowed me to suffer much hardship, but you will restore me to life again and lift me up from the depths of the earth.

You will restore me to even greater honor and comfort me once again.